Dear Tulá
Happy Birthday little girl! You are a year old! Last year, round about this time, we were waking up from our first sleep – you were nestled in the nook of my arm, where you slept comfortably for months. You had been in this world for less than four hours. My little miracle, my little baby. Brought in to this world, held to my chest, nourished from my body. I am so proud of who you are.
At a year, you’re walking and trying to run. You eat fabulously, and still love broccoli, cauliflower, salmon, tomatoes, cheese. You mimic everything we do – changing the channels on the TV, drinking from your stacking cups. You are trying so hard to talk, you say hot really well, and understand the meaning too!You have five teeth in your mouth right now, three at the bottom and two at the top and we seem to have handled them coming trough. You have a particular love for mobile phones, wires and remote controls – as many as you can fit in your hand at one time Oh and mustn't forget paper, you Love paper!
You love the ceebbies birthday song and get very excited every time it comes on. You enjoy music and dancing.
So how has this year been? Well, like nothing I could have imagined, really. Wait, let me tell you a story. When I was pregnant, I had a job I really enjoyed doing. I loved the responsibility, When I went on maternity leave, I told my boss I’d be back when you were six months old. I was certain I’d be back at work and back to passionately working. But when April came, I couldn’t do it. I suddenly realised there was no way I was willing to miss a day of your first year. It’s funny how much having you has changed me.
I didn’t know what I was missing in my life before you came along. I know that sounds like a cliché and I cringe a little bit on the inside saying it, but it is true. I remember crying one day because I so badly wanted a baby. Actually, I cried a few times, but I remember one day the most. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until almost a week later.
It’s not like there was a big hole in my life before you were there, but there must have been, and I just didn’t know it. But now… now the thought of you not being in it… well, it’s not possible. You’ll always be in it. There’s a Tulá shaped corner of my heart now.
In that corner I know love different to any love I’ve known before. And pain different to anything tears have caused me before. And fear – terrible, horrible, debilitating fear – of thumps, bangs, things crashing, of driving too fast, of not looking both ways before crossing the road, of too much water in the bath, of walking in the rain too long, being out in the cold, living near a hospital, waiting in it’s waiting room. Anything that could make you hurt, injure you, make you sick.
But that’s a mummy's paranoia. It comes and goes.
I love how much you love me. The way you stretch your arms out to me, hide your face in my neck when you are shy, run to me when you’re uncertain of something or someone. I love how you call out to me. I love that its me you come to when you get hurt, or frightened or afraid. I love the way your such a daddies girl.I love that it’s me you come to when you want comfort, or kisses – yes, I know its all about me, but then, I said I love how much you love me.
Your first birthday party was great (Saturday 23rd October). I wanted it to be extra special, all the trimmings! Mummy and Vanessa planned it for months ahead. You had a a pink number one cake with butterflies and your name in blocks.We hired a hall in Battersea, hired soft play - you love soft play so much. We hired your favourite entertainers too Caterpillar music. I arranged for some of the Butterfly nannies to help too. Vanessa did a fantastic job on decorating the hall in pink, white and lilac, fit for a princess. There were balloons everywhere. Vanessa hand made your party hats, she made all the trimmings, beautiful just like i pictured it. So many people came,Uncle Nelio from Spain, Uncle John, Auntie Dawn, cousin Kelly from Stoke on Trent, Auntie Sussana, cousin Sonia, Auntie Claudette, cousin Tannia, uncle Claston and so many more! You ran around playing with everyone and were a perfect entertainer. When we sang for you, you clapped and danced and shout yaaay!. I will remember your 1st birthday party forever.
I can’t wait to see what this year brings us, my precious child. You are such a pleasure to be with, you are a treasure to me and you make me so proud so often. Words, feelings or emotions can not explain how very much I love you.
Happy birthday baby.
Love Mummy.
