Letter to a 21 month old

Hello beautiful girl,

18.07.11                                                                          

Yesterday you turned 21 months old, and right now, I think of you and little butterflies flutter in my heart and bring a smile to my face. I wish I could formulate words to tell you how perfect I think you are. Of course, you’re a toddler. You refuse to pick up your toys when I ask you, and turn your head away pretending you can’t hear me when I tell you it's bedtime. You’re by no means ‘perfect’, but you are my perfect little girl.

You give me the most beautiful kisses I’ve ever had. You suck in your cheeks like a goldfish and stick out your lips, and your little lips are like all my Christmases and birthdays in one. You make my heart flutter. I remember when I used to give you kisses, before you understood about kisses and I wondered how we teach – or in fact why we teach – affection with kisses. But it worked out well for me. They’re the highlight of my day.

Your vocabulary is pretty amazing. I always thought it would be difficult to teach a child how to speak, but it’s been so easy with you. No one believes me that you can have a pretty good conversation though, because as soon as I bring a phone, near you, you go shy and quiet. It’s wonderful though. For example, I say, “Can you go call Daddy ?” And you’ll run off, say “Daddy”.

You have grown very attachted to Winnie the Pooh this month, and Love watching the DVDS, you hug your pooh bear at bed time, you do the cutiest thing befre you lay down, you arrange all your bears around your pillow.

Minnie Mouse on the left of the pillow, Pooh abouve Minnie, Iggle Piggle on the right, Piglet just above Iggle, and last night your Ken doll joined them all too!

We went to a family party on Saturday and you picked up Iggle piggle and Ken and placed them in my hand bag when we were getting ready to leave, that was too cute.

We found out a few months ago that I’m expecting another baby. I’ve had very mixed feelings on this. Of course, I’m thrilled – I can’t tell you how excited I am to be bringing another little life into the world, but at the same time, I have such a sadness inside me that an end is coming to our ‘usness’, and that we’ll have to make space in our relationship for another child. I know it will be okay, and I know it will be a great, great thing for you, but I will miss us. Just you and me. (And Daddy of course, but I’m talking about you and me now.)

But, one day when you’re all grown up, you’ll be glad you have a brother or sister. And I wanted him or her to be close to you in age so that you don’t have to be a little mother, but a big sister. That’s my hope for you my beautiful girl. That you will be a wonderful big sister.

I love you so so much.

Mummy

Remembering

My Dear Little Tutu, My Journey, Little Rice, My Sweet Lil' Tutu,

I remember when I planned your existence, or tried to at least.
I remember when your daddy said "ok, let's do this," or something to that effect.
I remember when I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, and I couldn't believe it. My arms were shaking, and I took another test.
I remember when the word "pregnant" lit up across the screen. Your daddy still didn't get it. I had to spell it out.
I remember wondering if you'd stick around, almost every day of my pregnancy.
I remember the first time I knew it was you kicking inside me, and the way your daddy's eyes lit up when he felt it too.
I remember stressing about how you would come into the world, even though I kept telling myself not to.
I remember the blessing your daddy gave me before you were born, and feeling relief.

I remember the moment you were placed in my arms, and saying "Hi baby!" You were so so tiny.

I remember the first time I nursed you, and wondering how long we'd last.
I remember taking you home from the hospital decked out from head to toe, and dressing you up every day since then.

I remember your first smile. Your first laugh in your sleep.

I remember our first trip together. You were such a good girl on the flight.

I remember people holding you as a newborn and wondering what they meant by you making their uterus ache. Now I get it.
I remember how calm you were when you were passed around all day. But how extra happy you were by my side.

I remember the first time you said "dada" even though I had been saying "mama" to you every day from day one.
And the time you said "dada" on command when your daddy was recording it. I was in disbelief.
When you said "mama" my heart melted. Even though you were whining to be picked up. I remember that.

I remember when your first tooth came in.
And the your first taste of food. You licked the bowl afterward.

I remember when you used to cry at night when we'd lay you down to sleep. Now you fall asleep on your own without a hitch.
I remember when you would wake up in the middle of the night, before I went to bed, and I'd bring you into the living room for 2am photoshoots with my phone.
I remember tickle fights, and your belly laughs, they are music to my ears.

I remember agonizing over raising you right, wondering if I was doing it the right way. I still do, but now I'm more confidant.

I remember when you first sat up, rolled over, cruised across the floor--backwards first, and now, your first steps.

I remember these things like it was yesterday, yet it all began nearly two years ago.
You changed my life forever.

Mummy loves Tula.

Letter to an Eleven Month Old

Hello beautiful girl,

10.11.10

How we have come 11 months in the blink of an eye I just don’t know. Our lives have changed so much in so many ways, and yet in some ways they don’t really feel like they’ve changed at all. It’s so hard to explain, but it is what it is.

This has been an incredible month. I’ve felt motherly pride rise up in my so many times in ways and for things I never thought possible. I know you’re not the first baby to go through these things, but you’re my first baby to go through them and they are your firsts.

You walk perfectly now –  We took you to Battersea park and you practically ran for probably a kilometre. When Daddy tried to pick you up you screamed and cried so much we were shocked and eventually put you down – and you were off again.

You are so inquisitive too. You are always searching in things, moving things to look behind them and climbing over things. It’s rather cute watching you stretch up to the handle on your tip toes and I’m secretly glad you don’t reach yet.

You’ve started copying sounds that we make. When we eat you go hmm-hmm just like I do. If I say ‘come’ you say ‘hm’, if I say baby-girl, you say ba-bee. Dad-deee is still your favourite though. You’ve also learned to kiss. It started as an open mouthed leaning towards the mouth, then you started blowing kisses and now you’ve learned to kiss properly and we so love your kisses.

The last week or so has been rough on you as you’ve been ill with colds and coughs.

So there you are, little girl. Superbly cute, clever, chatty and you make me smile every day.

The clinginess has passed a bit and you’re much more easy-going at the moment. Your sleep is better too, still wake like clock work between 11pm and 12am to jump in with us.

You’re a joy to be with and a pleasure to raise. Yes, I have tough days, yes, some nights I could cry for sleep, but all in all, I wouldn’t give you up for the world.This month is full of change, with mummy getting ready to return to work, but I’m pretty certain you’ll take it in your stride, just as you have everything else.

Love you, beautiful.

Don’t grow too much this month.

Mummy

Letter to a One Year Old

Dear Tulá


Happy Birthday little girl! You are a year old! Last year, round about this time, we were waking up from our first sleep – you were nestled in the nook of my arm, where you slept comfortably for months. You had been in this world for less than four hours. My little miracle, my little baby. Brought in to this world, held to my chest, nourished from my body. I am so proud of who you are.

At a year, you’re walking and trying to run. You eat fabulously, and still love broccoli, cauliflower, salmon, tomatoes, cheese. You mimic everything we do – changing the channels on the TV, drinking from your stacking cups. You are trying so hard to talk, you say hot really well, and understand the meaning too!
You have five teeth in your mouth right now, three at the bottom and two at the top and we seem to have handled them coming trough. You have a particular love for mobile phones, wires and remote controls – as many as you can fit in your hand at one time Oh and mustn't forget paper, you Love paper!

You love the ceebbies birthday song and get very excited every time it comes on. You enjoy music and dancing.
So how has this year been? Well, like nothing I could have imagined, really. Wait, let me tell you a story. When I was pregnant, I had a job I really enjoyed doing. I loved the responsibility, When I went on maternity leave, I told my boss I’d be back when you were six months old. I was certain I’d be back at work and back to passionately working. But when April came, I couldn’t do it. I suddenly realised there was no way I was willing to miss a day of your first year. It’s funny how much having you has changed me.

I didn’t know what I was missing in my life before you came along. I know that sounds like a cliché and I cringe a little bit on the inside saying it, but it is true. I remember crying one day because I so badly wanted a baby. Actually, I cried a few times, but I remember one day the most. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until almost a week later.

It’s not like there was a big hole in my life before you were there, but there must have been, and I just didn’t know it. But now… now the thought of you not being in it… well, it’s not possible. You’ll always be in it. There’s a Tulá shaped corner of my heart now.

In that corner I know love different to any love I’ve known before. And pain different to anything tears have caused me before. And fear – terrible, horrible, debilitating fear – of thumps, bangs, things crashing, of driving too fast, of not looking both ways before crossing the road, of too much water in the bath, of walking in the rain too long, being out in the cold, living near a hospital, waiting in it’s waiting room. Anything that could make you hurt, injure you, make you sick.

But that’s a mummy's paranoia. It comes and goes.

I love how much you love me. The way you stretch your arms out to me, hide your face in my neck when you are shy, run to me when you’re uncertain of something or someone. I love how you call out to me. I love that its me you come to when you get hurt, or frightened or afraid. I love the way your such a daddies girl.I love that it’s me you come to when you want comfort, or kisses – yes, I know its all about me, but then, I said I love how much you love me.

Your first birthday party was great (Saturday 23rd October). I wanted it to be extra special, all the trimmings! Mummy and Vanessa planned it for months ahead. You had a a pink number one cake with butterflies and your name in blocks.We hired a hall in Battersea, hired soft play - you love soft play so much. We hired your favourite entertainers too Caterpillar music. I arranged for some of the Butterfly nannies to help too. Vanessa did a fantastic job on decorating the hall in pink, white and lilac, fit for a princess. There were balloons everywhere. Vanessa hand made your party hats, she made all the trimmings, beautiful just like i pictured it. So many people came,Uncle Nelio from Spain, Uncle John, Auntie Dawn, cousin Kelly from Stoke on Trent, Auntie Sussana, cousin Sonia, Auntie Claudette, cousin Tannia, uncle Claston and so many more! You ran around playing with everyone and were a perfect entertainer. When we sang for you, you clapped and danced and shout yaaay!. I will remember your 1st birthday party forever.

I can’t wait to see what this year brings us, my precious child. You are such a pleasure to be with, you are a treasure to me and you make me so proud so often. Words, feelings or emotions can not explain how very much I love you.

Happy birthday baby.

Love Mummy.

If I Should Die…

Dear Tulá,

As I lay back feeding you tonight, watching your eyes grow heavy and your breath deepen while holding my finger tightly, I wondered what you would want to know about me one day, if I were to die. I imagined you sitting on a beach, lost in thought. I imagined your Aunty Lucia coming to you, and I imagined you asking her about me. It made me sad, seeing you there, staring at the stars and the waves as, with your toes digging holes and your fingers massaging the sand as I love to do.

I wondered what she would say; what people would tell you, if I were gone.

I hope that they will tell you how much I loved you. How I carried you in a sling on my chest even when it was hot, so that we could ‘talk’ about everything we saw. How I slept with you in my bed so that I could hear your breathing in the night, and how that calmed me. How I let you crawl around in just your nappies because I loved you pretty little body.

I hope that they will tell you that I wanted you, that I waited for you, dreamed about you and cried for you and that your coming has completed me. I was happy before you, and Daddy and I were good together, but when you came it was as if a girl became a woman. We made you, together, and I built you and I birthed you, but I also birthed me.

I became a woman, And it was because you came to us. You make me feel like everything I have worked for and wanted is here, like I am finally on the right track.

I hope that they will tell you that I was kind, that I cared about others. That I felt sad for children who weren’t loved as much as you, and that I cried sometimes, when the hardship of other people’s lives weighed heavily on me.

I hope they will tell you that I worked hard. I was totally dedicated and committed and when I believed in something, wanted something or focused on something, I was a force worth noting. I took extreme pride in my work. Like my father, I felt that the way you work is a reflection on who you are. I hated disappointing anyone, which sometimes meant I had to do way more than I should have.

I was really hard to offend. I always felt that life was too short to hold a grudge. Forgiving and forgetting isn’t something you do for the other person, but for yourself, so that you can have an uncomplicated life.

As much as I knew everyone has their own opinion and a right to their own opinion, I still struggled to hold my tongue when I thought they were wrong. I wanted them to at least listen to what I had to say, even if they didn’t agree, just as I would listen to them, even if I didn’t agree.Which most of the time I didn't.  I was just so passionate about the things I believed in – perhaps it’s the Portuguese in our blood.

I was once asked what  I feared most, and answered that my biggest fear is that I’ll be forgotten. I fear forgetting and being forgotten. For the record, I also fear abandoned hospitals and zombie children, but fortunately I don’t have much to do with either of those.

I know that the people who loved me would be able to tell you lots of funny stories about me, a few sad ones and a few that you might wish you could have asked me more about yourself.

Fortunately for us, I do believe in heaven, and I believe that one day we will be able to sit and talk together, but in the meantime, my beautiful baby girl, if I should not be around to see you grow, I trust there will be people who can tell you all this and much more, and I trust that they will love you in my stead, so that you will never have to be alone.

I will always be there, 

I promise watching and guiding your every move.

All my love,

Mummy

8 months already

Dear Tutu,                                                                        

Happy 8 months baby

.

You totaly amaze me.

I am to totaly amazed by you.

We're in Jamaica Negril at the moment, on our first family holiday. You're having so much fun out here, you have so much more room to move around. You have mastered getting up form tummy to on your bottom. Your now every day trying to crawl. We can't leave you alone for a second now, your rolling everywhere.

Your eating and drinking so well, you love your food, especialy Salmon and broccoli.You feed yourself really well and because silly mummy forgot your drinking cup at home you have also learnt to use a straw. Took you a day or so but now your a pro.

Verbally you interchange between da-da-da and ba-ba-ba now, and blow your own raspberries at will and especially at strangers whom pass us, which always causes laughter!

You do funny little things now, and laugh heartily at yourself and us. You giggle when I cough. You run your finger along Daddy’s teeth and laugh. You laugh when we help you walk. You laugh when you see yourself in the mirror banging your hands.

Your favorite rhymes are wheels on the bus, round and round between the three of us, we amuse ourselves with this for hours.e garden, and our new one this little Piggie with your toes that makes you giggle.  

We are all having an amazing fum time in Jamaica. Mummy and Daddy seeing love seeing you so excited about swimming in the paddling pool and seeing all the sesame street characters walk by and say hello to you.

I look forward to seeing how you can amaze me more every day. I look forward to seeing how you grow, how you develop. I look forward to falling in love with you, being awed by you, enamoured by you, overwhelmed and enthralled with you.


I love you more and more each day
sweet baby of mine.


Love Mummy x

7 months today

Dear Tulá 

I know I say this every month, but I cannot believe that it’s been seven months.

It’s amazing. It’s miraculous, this whole growth thing.

Let’s see…

A month ago I thought you were mobile. Thinking back, I had no idea. Your now sitting up all alone. I caught you yesterday trying to climb onto you activity toy to help yourself up. You never keep still, your energy amazes me.

You are doing really well with your weaning. Your favourite food so far is smoked salmon, tuna and cauliflower cheese. there’s really not much you don’t like. 

The clingy phase has got much better. I couldn't  really leave you for too long and you would start crying for me. It makes me feel special, but also a little bit tired sometimes. I now can leave you alone for short periods and your happy.

Your always giggling and laughing, especially when we hand you upside down or tickle you. 

You Loving daddy even more now, and showing to become a little bit of a daddy's girl which daddy does love.

You had you first sleep over at Avo's this month too so as mummy and daddy could go and watch a film. Avo said you were brilliant, you kept to your routine and had a fun sleep over.

Well, honey, mummy is going to quickly start making your lunch before you wake up from your very long nap. We were in bed together this morning for you morning nap, Mummy has just woke up and your still out for the count, snoring your little head off. You Love sleeping in our bed and can sleep for hours in there.

I love curling up next to you and holding you close to my heart. I’ll watch you in the moonlight and hold on to these moments, knowing that they pass all too quickly. I’ll wake up in the night and listen for you, for your breathing, just to make sure you’re okay. When you stir I’ll pull you to me, and I’ll take in your baby smell, holding my breath in an attempt to capture your scent forever in my memory.  when you nuzzle in to me, those are the moments that I know your whole being is an extension of my heart.

You are more precious than I ever thought possible.

I love you for always.

Mummy

6 months old today!

Darling Tulá



These past 6 months have just flown can’t believe you’re six months old today.

You've gone to Avo's today, you should be home very shortly. Tia Lucia took you to the park for the 1st time today. She sent me a photo of you sleeping on the grass.I can't wait to hug you, it's been 5 hours now! I have baked you some cupcakes to mark your 6 months. Wow I can still see you, a tiny little curled up figure, barely bigger than my two hands, time is flying and it scares me.


I look back on that day and I remember it with a smile, a warmth, yet at the same time soothing high, comes over me and I feel a rush of emotion. Every time I think about the day you were born tears fill my eyes. I feel so much love. I never knew it could be like this. I used to lie in bed and try to imagine how much I would love you, but I never came close.

You’ve had such a busy month, its exhausting keeping up with you.

You’re constantly trying to stand up too. Pulling yourself up on things.

You’ve been talking to us a lot. Di di da da da seems to be your favourite at the moment. Can't wait to hear you say ma ma ma mama. You keep Blowing loads of bubbles too!
You never stop smiling and giggling. You Love your Daddy so much, it's cute to see your eyes light up when he walks in from work, your heart races as he walks towards you. He Loves you so much too.

Your now eating so well, and Love everything you have tried so far. Carrots, Yam, sweet Potatoes, Cauliflower Cheese, Rice cakes, melon, Bananas even a lick of Ice cream with Strawberry sauce at Crystal Palace Park yesterday.

For some reason you’re not sleeping too well at the moment. You’ve never had any trouble sleeping, but of late you keep waking after an hour or so and keep doing this through out the night until we put you in your favourite sleeping place, in between the two people whom Love you more than anything in this whole wide world, Our bed.
I assume that's why you keep waking. I have to admit, I Love having you sleep with us, I Love holding your little hand while you drift away to sleep. I Love hearing you babbling in the morning to wake us baby. While you were in mummy's tummy I would lay in bed and try and imagine what you would look like, I could hardly wait to have you laying in between us. Its all seems still so unreal. I feel so blessed to have such a beautiful little girl as a daughter.

I just want to thank you for gracing us with your beautiful presence. Thank you for being our baby, our daughter and for the endless blessings and happiness you give us.


You fill a place in my heart that I had no idea was empty.

Love you with all my heart and soul.

Your Mummy ♥♥♥ 

4 months Today

Angel, 

I can not believe your already 4 months old today. Time is moving too fast. I remember the day I was told I was expecting you like it was yesterday.

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. When you were born, I saw your face and I knew that I was in love. Before you were an hour old, I knew I would die for you. To this day, I will. This is the miracle of life.

You complete me baby girl

Love Mummy xxxx