Remembering

My Dear Little Tutu, My Journey, Little Rice, My Sweet Lil' Tutu,

I remember when I planned your existence, or tried to at least.
I remember when your daddy said "ok, let's do this," or something to that effect.
I remember when I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, and I couldn't believe it. My arms were shaking, and I took another test.
I remember when the word "pregnant" lit up across the screen. Your daddy still didn't get it. I had to spell it out.
I remember wondering if you'd stick around, almost every day of my pregnancy.
I remember the first time I knew it was you kicking inside me, and the way your daddy's eyes lit up when he felt it too.
I remember stressing about how you would come into the world, even though I kept telling myself not to.
I remember the blessing your daddy gave me before you were born, and feeling relief.

I remember the moment you were placed in my arms, and saying "Hi baby!" You were so so tiny.

I remember the first time I nursed you, and wondering how long we'd last.
I remember taking you home from the hospital decked out from head to toe, and dressing you up every day since then.

I remember your first smile. Your first laugh in your sleep.

I remember our first trip together. You were such a good girl on the flight.

I remember people holding you as a newborn and wondering what they meant by you making their uterus ache. Now I get it.
I remember how calm you were when you were passed around all day. But how extra happy you were by my side.

I remember the first time you said "dada" even though I had been saying "mama" to you every day from day one.
And the time you said "dada" on command when your daddy was recording it. I was in disbelief.
When you said "mama" my heart melted. Even though you were whining to be picked up. I remember that.

I remember when your first tooth came in.
And the your first taste of food. You licked the bowl afterward.

I remember when you used to cry at night when we'd lay you down to sleep. Now you fall asleep on your own without a hitch.
I remember when you would wake up in the middle of the night, before I went to bed, and I'd bring you into the living room for 2am photoshoots with my phone.
I remember tickle fights, and your belly laughs, they are music to my ears.

I remember agonizing over raising you right, wondering if I was doing it the right way. I still do, but now I'm more confidant.

I remember when you first sat up, rolled over, cruised across the floor--backwards first, and now, your first steps.

I remember these things like it was yesterday, yet it all began nearly two years ago.
You changed my life forever.

Mummy loves Tula.