I still remember . . .

2 years on & I still remember my Angel baby.

An angel wrote in the book of life, my baby's date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book "Too beautiful for earth."~

I cannot believe my little girl is almost One !!! Where does the times go

Miscarriage Survivor: Almost a year later and I haven't forgotten

I write this today as I was reminded about my miscarriage. Almost year ago, I lost my first baby. The reason I will never know. It's intriguing that, in efforts to be comforted by others, I have been constantly told that the pain will go away eventually. Or when I birth my first child, I will no longer be sad. And the most interesting, I will forget it ever happened once I have children.

It's been almost a year, I have a 6 month old daughter and guess what.... I haven't forgotten. And you know what, I never will. The experience still haunts me, still makes me sad, and still makes me wonder what could have been. I would never wish for this and would never wish for it on anyone else. If it were up to me, this would have never happened.

Things happen for a reason, right? Hmmmm, you all know my feelings on this phrase.

I once was told by a friend how silly she thought it was that a lady she knew had a memorial bench at a cemetary where plaques were placed for family members that died, including a plaque for the miscarriage she had some years earlier. She didn't get it. She didn't understand why you would honor or still want to remember this type of loss. This pain is REAL, this experience is REAL. It cannot be made up, it cannot be forgotten. Even if the pain is dulled by healthy children since born, it still lies there in our hearts.

The one that will always be missing.

My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I consider her a gift my first baby gave me. It's like he/she said "Here. I cannot be there with you, but she can." I am not thankful I had a miscarriage, I am thankful that my daughter is here with me now and she is a gift from the baby that could have been.

So here it is, almost a year on. A lot has changed in the past year. Scars are the reminders that our past is real. I look forward to what the future brings but I will never forget my lost baby.

Miscarriage a good thing?????

Apparently I should be glad I had a miscarriage. Oh wait, and happy! Why? Simply because I have had another baby since.

Yes people, this came from an ignorant asshat. So having a live birth after a miscarriage makes my miscarriage a "good thing." Are you serious? NOTHING about a miscarriage is a good thing...NOTHING. I don't care how anyone needs to justify why things happen, when it comes to this issue, this is absurd!

Yes, this is EXACTLY how I wanted everything. Did this person even READ my blog? Did you read about the perpetual black hole I was in afterwards? Does that sound like a wonderful experience to you?

Oh AND being deathly afraid during my entire next pregnancy. Yes, I am especially grateful for that! I LOVED examining the TP every time I went to the bathroom, hoping to not see any blood. My heart would pound every time I went to the bathroom for at least the first 20 weeks. Shake your head at me if you want, call me a sissy, whatever you want but until you have been there yourself DON'T tell me how I am supposed to feel now.

Even my next pregnancy will be plagued with the same fear and the same anxiety. So yea, I am ecstatic that I had a miscarriage. Knowing that my first baby died inside of me is a great feeling. One in which I am so thankful to have experienced!

So does that answer your question?? Do you really think I am happy now that I had a miscarriage? Yes, I love my daughter with every inch of my soul. And sure I wouldn't have it any other way but to go as far as saying I am happy to have a miscarriage is the most insensitive thing one has ever said to me. I would have loved that first baby with every inch of my soul too. I consider my daughter a gift from my first baby. So, NO, I am not glad I had a miscarriage.


KMTEET

My prays answered after miscarriage

My Heart beat hours old

My Gorgeous baby girl 1 months old

My Cutie 2 months

My Princess 3 months old

Sweet Cheeks 4 months old

Tu Tu 5 months old

Miscarriage

We lost our baby. Rice I named her after seeing how tiny she looked in our 4 week scan. Not sure if it was a girl, but I have a feeling. I found out we were pregnant on  5th, 2008 and lost the baby on July 9th, 2008. I had gotten so incredibly bonded with the baby growing inside of me. It is amazing how close you can become to something you haven’t even met or seen. I lay awake most nights thinking of the future of our child, what would we name the baby? What would the nursery look like? Would we be good parents? Would I be able to find a job before I started showing? So many thoughts and so much to read and learn. When we first found out we were both shocked and stunned. How did this happen we think? But then, the little angle just took hold of us and everything we did was about this new child we were going to bring into the world. On July 14th I started bleeding, my GP. there was nothing to worry about and allot of women bleed during pregnancy. Implantation bleeding I think she called it.  I knew it wasn’t good, 
When we got to the clinic we had to wait for an hour or so. Then, some insensitive woman did an ultrasound, and took measurements of our baby. She told us that our baby’s heartbeat was not beating. Part of me died that morning for sure. I wailed in the Doctor’s office. I cried and cried. They moved us into a room so that we would not have to sit out in the waiting room with out tears. The Doctor seems so “routine” about it. We had just lost a child, and she was so blasé. Our baby had died at about 12 weeks… right after they told us that there was a healthy heartbeat and that we had a 95% chance of bringing home a healthy baby. It had been gone inside of me for two weeks. It never miscarried itself. So, my options were to “wait” for my baby to come out of me in a painful miscarriage, or to get a D&C, which is a nice word for abortion…and a scraping of the uterus. I chose the D&C so that I could get the baby out and make sure that it wasn’t missed. I was scheduled to go to the hospital that afternoon. Bob and I went home and I started going into labor- it lasted 20 minutes of the worst contractions- and the only contractions I had ever felt. I knew the baby was trying to miscarry. Amy came over and held me. We got a hold of my Mom in Guatemala-, which wasn’t easy. I cried and cried and cried.
That afternoon, Amy, Bob and I went to the Hospital, and it took hours of waiting, but I had my D&C and was sent home. I think during the procedure, I was crying out for my baby. It has been under two weeks since we lost our baby. I haven’t stopped crying. Oh, sure, I stop for hours at a time, but each day, I cry. Bob has been angry more than anything… and I have just been so sad. So terribly sad. I can’t imagine that women go through this everyday, sometimes, more than once. Some women, several times. It is something I always knew was a possibility, but I tried my best to be as careful and loving and calm as I could. And it still doesn’t matter. Our first child has died. I am not sure you ever recover fully from such a loss. Nor, can you compare it to the loss of a grown child. But it is a loss of huge and awful proportions. At night, when I wake, to get something to drink, it hurts. All the nights I laid awake planning for our baby, I was so excited, scared, happy, and nervous. Now, now that the baby is gone, I do feel such a sense of immense loneliness… like something has been robbed from my body and it has.
This changes a person, for sure. I won’t ever be the same. I don’t know about Bob. I think we will “bounce” back and get into our routine and the days will draw longer and separate us from this experience. Time will put distance between us and the baby that we lost. We will get on with out lives and days will pass, and maybe we will get another chance. But I don’t want to live my life obsessing about getting pregnant. Nothing will replace my first experience- and if I get the great honor again, it will be different. Equally wonderful, but different. I think I will have to try hard not to get so attached so early on. How one does this, I do not know? I just hope that we are able to have children and bring them into this world and hold their hands like we had planned. This is such a tough time. I so want it to go away- but I know we must honor our baby and grieve. And we must count our blessings as well. It really made me realize what was important to me. Having a child is important. Having a loving family and caring friends is what matters. Without all of this, we are nothing.

Goggle is not your friend

I have a live feed on my blog which tells me who had visited (only the city/state they are from) my blog and what website they came from and website they leave to.

For some reason when you google miscarriage statistics, one of my previousblogs comes up where I copied & pasted some statistics I found on the Internet. So anytime someone googles this, they come across that blog post.

I imagine that this is happening because, like me, you are petrified of a miscarriage once you learn you are pregnant. So you hop on Google and bring up some websites in hopes of getting some reassurance that you will not be a part of this devastating statistic.

I am a part of this statistic. I always will be. Nothing is going to change that. That 5% my blog post talks about, I am a part of that. 5% seems small, but not once you find yourself a part of it.

When you are pregnant, Google is not your friend. You try to Google every worry in order to breath easier and most of the time you come across something that makes you feel worse and then find something else you would have never worried about had you not Googled in the first place!

So as much as humanly possible, refrain from the Google!! Step away from the computer and take a deep breath. I may be a part of this statistic, but that doesn't mean you will be. If you are truly worried about something, call your OB. This is what they get paid the big bucks for. They can give you the reassurance you need. After all, they have a medical degree and we all know degrees from University of Google aren't recognized at any medical facility!! =)

I understand your worry. My future pregnancy(s) will always be plagued with this fear. Don't let this ruin your pregnancy bliss! Relax, put your feet up and have a giant bowl of ice cream! You deserve it!

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. Each year, over half a million dreams are shattered. Out of 3.3 million born alive, some 30,000 die during the first 28 days. Another 39,000 babies are still born. Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies, while ectopic pregnancy occurs in one percent.

More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action.

~An angel wrote in the book of life, my baby's date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book "Too 

beautiful for earth."~

                                                        ~In our lives for a moment but in our hearts forever~

No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.

Miscarriage Statistics

I was googling trying to find info about miscarriage statistics and this is what I found....
 
The statistics regarding miscarriage vary widely depending on the source. Here are some of the basic numbers.

Almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the majority occurring during the first 12 weeks.

There is a 75% chance of miscarriage in weeks 1-2 of pregnancy, when you do not know you are pregnant.

There is a 10% chance of miscarriage in weeks 3-6 and this number drops to 5% during weeks 6-12.

During the second trimester the chance of miscarriage drops again to 3%. After you’ve reached 20 weeks gestation, it is no longer considered a miscarriage.

For repeat miscarriage the statistic are as follows:

If you have had a miscarriage during your first pregnancy, your chances of another miscarriage are 10-13%.

If you have had one or more live births and one miscarriage your chance of another miscarriage is around 10%.

There is a 40% chance of a repeat miscarriage if you have had two pregnancies and two miscarriages.

The chance of multiple miscarriages is lower, at around 13%, if you have had one or more live births.

If you have had three pregnancies and three miscarriages there is a 60% chance you will miscarry again. If you have had four miscarriages with no live births your chances of a healthy pregnancy drop to 0-5%.

Healing

I am one of millions of women who suffer silently. Who are told to "bounce back," who are told "Don't worry, you can try again!" I am one of the women who people avoid now in the halls at work because they don't know how to acknowledge my losses and me. I am one of the women that have lost too much and yet I still have room in my heart to try again and I still have the guts to go for it and take the risk of losing someone I love for a chance at gaining someone I love.

I am not alone however feeling very alone. Isolated. Like miscarriage is a disease that nobody wants to talk about. You don't hear about it until you fall victim to a stranger telling you that your baby no longer has a heart beat. I am one of the women who lost two babies and those will always be my babies. They will always be my children. They will always be my first.

I am one of the women who are dedicated to turning the word miscarriage into something people talk about. Something people deal with rather than shovel it beneath the bed with all the other "uncomfortable" subjects out there.

I won't let my babies go unnoticed- I will fight for understanding, sensitivity and proper care when it comes to women who have lost babies and the Doctors who shuffle them through like cattle. I won't give in and  I won't give up.

I am a woman who's voice you will hear... and that I promise you. The medical system needs a kick in the ass. Doctors need MANY lessons in what it means to have a heart. And people in general need to know that having a miscarriage is a LOSS. It is a huge, giant, enormous, awful, painful, terrible, lonely LOSS. It doesn't get better after a week, a month or a year. It just gets different. People need to talk about it. Learn about it. Know about it. And people need to honor it.

By writing this and connecting with other women and people in general I am starting my journey to help change how miscarriage is perceived and received in this society. I am also continuing the journey to heal and that will be life long.

Dear Little baby

Dear Little Baby,

You died. You died about two and a half weeks ago. Today, I would have been 14 weeks pregnant with you. Somehow, we lost you along the way and your little soul has left us. We are devastated. Your little life inside my belly made my heart flutter and gave me such purpose. Your father never worked harder, and had new inspiration to make life for you and for us, the best possible. I know these things happen. They always say “life isn’t fair” and boy, whoever they are, they are RIGHT! I lost you, but I will never forget you, ever. You taught us so much. Our love for one another has grown more than I ever thought possible. You taught me about silence and peace, and to just sit a while with my thoughts before acting. You taught me patience….which is a big one. Each day, I had to be patient with my body, with it’s changes and with the constant nagging thought that something could go wrong. But I kept the faith. And, still, something just wasn’t right.

What I have learned the most, is how lucky I am. I am so lucky to have met your father and to have found the kind of love in him and with him that some, only dream of. I feel blessed that I have a healthy body, and can conceive again, hopefully.

With you , we learned that we could get pregnant, and be loving and caring parents.
I learned what I want out of life. Thanks to you, I know that I want to be a Mummy and that being a MUMMY will be the most important job of my life. Before I got pregnant with you, I didn’t know. I knew that it was what “people did” and that I thought it would be cool to have a baby. I liked kids, always have. But now, I know. I know that I would get pregnant tomorrow if I could and I would do it all over again. And, I am praying that we will have the chance.

But you little one, your soul has taken flight. For that I am more sad than I have ever been in my life. The people that were ready and excited to welcome you into this world have all shared their sorrow with us. We have a good family and great friends around us. I will always know you. I will always be grateful for you. I will always think of you. And I will always, always love you.

Good Bye baby Rice,

Love your
Mummy xxxx