Finding out

My name is Eva . And I am 30 years old, Married  to Nyron for 2 years. Following a very painful traumatic miscarriage in July 2008 today I found out I'm pregnant again. After only 6 months trying so hard to fall pregnant it happened. I never thought I could or would have any children, after my miscarriage I was convinced something was wrong with me. I made the GP give me a load of test to make sure all was OK. Blood tests, scans you name it I had it done. I even began testing Nyron! at home, found a website that sold kits to test sperm count. Bless him, he tested himself without any complaints. Always Love you for that. Everything came back normal for both of us, so there was no reason why I shouldn't fall pregnant. I started using Ovulation kits to monitor when I would be most fertile. That began to make me sightly obsessed. After a few months of any luck I gave up on the kits and thought if its meant to be its meant to be. 
My last pregnancy was a complete and utter shock, Nyron and I were going through some bad times and not getting on too well at all, so a baby just was not good timing. Maybe that was God's way of telling me that I don't know.
Nyron knew I was trying to get pregnant again, I never hid it from him. I would tell me that we should wait and carry on working on our relationship, but would be happy if God willing I was to be blessed once again with a baby I so wanted more than anything.




Am I ready for this?  Well… I’ve wanted it for long enough. I guess I’ll become ready.The last few days I have been really tired, falling asleep really early.
Could it be?  . . .
All day I have been thinking should I do a pregnancy test? No I can't be, can I? I wanted to do the test when Nyron was home. We went food shopping at Asda, I told Ny that I would do a pregnancy test when we got home, {I had a whole lot of test at home} But didn't believe I could be again.
It was just before midnight, I grabbed the test and went into the bathroom. As I peeded on that stick I prayed, "please please let it be" After a few seconds the pink was strong and I knew. I am pregnant! 
I ran into the front room and told Nyron, he was happy but still worried about out relationship. I didn't care 1 bit, I knew we would be fine.
I went into the bedroom as I wanted to cry, I held my stomach so tight and said hello to my baby. Told her I loved her. I thanked God for answering my prays, and oh did I pray so hard for this moment again. 
I feel so blessed. 


Life is going to be very different from now on.

I'm loosing it

I silently sang this when I was changing Tula's's dirty nappy at 2am (to the tune of Barbie Girl, by Aqua):

She's my Tutu girl
In her Tutu world
What a nappy
It's so crappy
How could my little bear
Crap this much everywhere
Excrement-ation
Poo was her creation

Come on nappy
In the trashy

(Repeat as desired, or until you lose your mind)

A Bad day'S Mothering

I know everyone has them. Those days where you just feel like nothing youre doing is right. When you suspect, in the back of your frazzled mind, that you might be ruining your poor, sweet, crying child, for ever.

I’m not sure if it’s the post Christmas let down, as our family wittles down to just the three of us again, if it’s the snowy cold weather, or if it’s teething or some other developmental milestone, but Tula has had a really rough few days.

We had two nights of very little sleep, day and night. We’re also incapable of putting her down at the moment without a heartbreaking, why – don’t- you -love -me -anymore scream fest. She’s obviously exhausted, but even putting her down to sleep, which normally might perhaps if anything raise a whimper, is now a tear inducing trauma.

And I’m just not the ‘Cry It Out’ sort of mother. Yes, I believe they need to ‘learn’. I believe that she needs to know I have her best interests at heart. I believe she can’t run the roost, so to speak.

But if I were upset, miserable, and simply not myself, and I was not physically able to tell those closest to me what was wrong, and I was ignored and left to my misery, I would very quickly develop a negative relationship with those people.

How can I expect my baby to be okay, to trust me or to believe I am looking after her interests, if I can’t be there for her in her most vulnerable times?

As my frantic little one falls asleep in her daddy’s chest after a dose of Rescue Remedy and some crushed chamomila (for the teeth) I can only hope for a better tomorrow.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. Each year, over half a million dreams are shattered. Out of 3.3 million born alive, some 30,000 die during the first 28 days. Another 39,000 babies are still born. Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies, while ectopic pregnancy occurs in one percent.

More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action.

~An angel wrote in the book of life, my baby's date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book "Too 

beautiful for earth."~

                                                        ~In our lives for a moment but in our hearts forever~

No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.

Hope

I just hope. I hope for good timing. A round belly. A healthy pregnancy. A bouncing baby. I do hope. Though, I have moments, even days where hope is strained and pessimism sets in like a flu. I hope for a chance to be a Mum and to see my husband as a Dad. What two greater honors are there in this life?



I realize that life is not ALL about becoming pregnant or having a child. I also know that I have seen and done a lot and sure there is more to do... Always more... And I feel in my very being that having a child is not only a gift but it is something I would like to experience in this lifetime. It is something I would feel so blessed to say outloud one day "I am the mother of...." "This is my child." 



I know that having a baby will not complete me. I know there is always more to "want" and "need" but I also know that wanting to have a baby after my miscarriage is a really deep want. It is more of a want then it was when I got pregnant and didn't know my baby was going to die. I really WANT to know what it is to be a mother and kiss my child. So, I have hope today. I see hope. I feel hope. 

And I also know that sometimes HOPE is all we have.

Miscarriage Statistics

I was googling trying to find info about miscarriage statistics and this is what I found....
 
The statistics regarding miscarriage vary widely depending on the source. Here are some of the basic numbers.

Almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the majority occurring during the first 12 weeks.

There is a 75% chance of miscarriage in weeks 1-2 of pregnancy, when you do not know you are pregnant.

There is a 10% chance of miscarriage in weeks 3-6 and this number drops to 5% during weeks 6-12.

During the second trimester the chance of miscarriage drops again to 3%. After you’ve reached 20 weeks gestation, it is no longer considered a miscarriage.

For repeat miscarriage the statistic are as follows:

If you have had a miscarriage during your first pregnancy, your chances of another miscarriage are 10-13%.

If you have had one or more live births and one miscarriage your chance of another miscarriage is around 10%.

There is a 40% chance of a repeat miscarriage if you have had two pregnancies and two miscarriages.

The chance of multiple miscarriages is lower, at around 13%, if you have had one or more live births.

If you have had three pregnancies and three miscarriages there is a 60% chance you will miscarry again. If you have had four miscarriages with no live births your chances of a healthy pregnancy drop to 0-5%.